Are expectations good or bad?

Is anything in this world really as simple as good or bad? In my experience, absolutely not. It is best not to have expectations of things in life being simple, rather the journey and joy is understanding the grey areas, the nuances, the layers that manifest themselves when we try to understand the emotions that are radiating throughout our body. 

What are expectations?

To believe that something will happen with confidence. Expectations use the word ‘should’ a lot! They should behave this way with me… I should be given this by them… 

Thereby we assume and take for granted that things will be the way you want or need them to be. And we believe this without any proof. 

Conscious vs. unconscious expectations

Many of us are consciously aware of certain expectations we have in our lives - I should be respected by my children or I should be paid the agreed salary every month. 

What we don’t realise is that our conscious expectations are often accepted by society, and that’s why we feel it is safe for us to be aware of and vocalise these expectations. These can be at work, in a romantic relationship, connections with friends and neighbours, when at a shop or even when we are on holiday. For example, I should not be touched by a stranger on the street without my explicit permission or I should be supported by my spouse in achieving my dreams. 

However, we also have a myriad of unconscious expectations. From ourselves, from our friends, partners, colleagues, children, situations, in fact in every area of our lives. These are very often things that we don’t feel safe to bring to our conscious awareness. They stay hidden within our subconscious mind and come to the surface unexpectedly, when we are triggered, unaware, unprepared and highly sensitive. 

Unconscious expectations make us highly reactive, behaving in ways we later feel guilt, shame and regret for. They also make us unhappy because we often don’t know what they are, the behavioural manifestation is uncomfortable, unpredictable and makes us feel out of control. 

What I expect from others vs. what they expect from me

It is also vital to know that we very often have expectations from ourselves, many of which are unconscious, and when we (often) fail to meet them, we are taking a direct debit out of our sense of self trust, because we cannot trust ourselves to meet our expectations. 

When we have others to expect things from us, we often hold ourselves in a state of perpetual people pleasing. We are constantly trying not to ruffle feathers, trying to keep the peace, all at the cost of our own needs being met. We actively put someone else’s needs ahead of our own. 

Case Study

For example, a woman is getting a divorce from her husband on the grounds that the relationship is simply not working. She already has a child with the man. She has always been loved and supported by her family and the wider society she belongs to and is expecting them to continue supporting her decision and giving her the love she needs. However, as soon as she announces the intention of the divorce, she notices looks, sneers, jibes, loss of friends, her family treating her differently etc.

She begins to feel ashamed, lonely and unwanted. But more than anything, she feels hurt and angry towards her family, because she expected them to support her. This might manifest into big blow out arguments, familial estrangement, staying in the difficult marriage out of societal and family pressure, internal self hatred and disgust, depression, health issues, the desperation to enter another relationship fast even if it isn’t the right one and so much more.

The flip side is that those around this woman, her family and friends have a number of expectations on her too. And by announcing a divorce, these expectations have not been met. They are themselves hurt and angry. This situation is unpredictable, having surprised them all. And humans do not often do well with unpredictability as it makes them feel out of control. 

What is at the root of expectations?

At the absolute root of this is that when our expectations are not met, we are hurt because our needs are not met. Whether conscious or unconscious, our expectations serve as a signpost to our needs. And it is vital to take out time to understand what expectations we have, from whom and what the underlying needs are around this. It is also highly freeing to become aware of which expectations from other people we are holding within our subconscious mind. Which needs of other people are placed above our own as a mental and emotional priority. 

Once we know what our needs are, we suddenly become a lot more empowered to communicate those needs to others or even fulfil those needs ourselves. The layers of expectations drastically reduces and we can find ourselves profoundly more able to settle into ourselves, our lives and make decisions based on what :is bring us the most joy, instead of on the expectations of others. 

Practical Steps:

1. Meditation and Breathwork - spend at least 10-30 minutes meditating every morning and simply trying to engage your focus on one thing. Breathe deep and let that breath permeate your body very actively. There are innumerable YouTube videos to help with this and you will definitely find one technique that works best for you. For myself, I love Dr. Joe Dispenza’s ‘Blessing of the energy centres’ meditation.

2. Journaling - Keep a journal near you and when your inner voice calls out, begin writing. When your emotions are heightened, simply write. When your energy is flowing, write. You don’t need to write anything specific, or beautiful, or academic. Write for yourself, the words will come. And you will notice patterns emerging regarding expectations and needs over a few days.

3. Track your dreams - This is highly useful. Keep a diary near your bed when sleeping and write your dream as soon as you wake up. Your dreams are often a gateway to what you have been unconsciously thinking about the day before. It will often tell you through imagery, metaphor and heightened emotions, what you are feeling and needing.

4. Notice what triggers you when you are with loved ones or a given situation. And at that moment finish this sentence, “Right now, I would be happier if…” You will notice a number of different endings pop up. Write them down (in your journal if you have it). Again patterns will emerge.

5. Keeping the peace? - when you are in a situation that is making you unhappy or uncomfortable, finish this sentence: “If I put myself first right now, the consequence will be…” Note down all good and bad consequences.

6. Find a practitioner - if you don’t have the mental space or feel overwhelmed to do this process yourself, work with someone who can easily and quickly help you uncover your subconscious thoughts and patterns. This is where you put yourself first.

Remember! No expectations are bad! They are simply a way of getting information about yourselves and those around you. 

Understanding is power. Take back your power and own it like a badass!